A Safe Place For Secrets?

Have you ever listened as a dear friend or family member poured out a heartfelt story full of unbearable sadness and grief? As they recounted the bitter circumstances that brought them such heartache, tears traced patterns of sorrow on their faces.

Recently, I recounted such a conversation to my husband. I told him of my efforts to listen, to offer a soft word of comfort to my dear friend Leslie (not her real name) while we shared lunch. He remarked, “That’s because you are a weightlifter.” His words surprised me, as I often fumble while trying to convey love and assurance to someone—you know, those times when words come out all wrong? When we want to turn back the clock and say, “Let’s try that again?”

Are You a Weightlifter ?

Leslie shared her heart’s burden

with me freely because she trusted

me. For I also had entrusted my

cares to her—our secrets remained

mutually safe. We lift the weight of

sorrows by bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). I love what Frederick Buechner wrote:

What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are . . . because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier . . . for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own.[1]

Wisdom Required We all long for a safe place where we can tell our secret sorrows. Of course, sharing requires wisdom. Not everyone is trustworthy or a weightlifter. Jesus certainly knew this for He “had no need that anyone should testify of man, for He knew what was in man” (John 2:25). Even so, Jesus, with His divine discernment, entrusted His concerns and cares to His limited, intimate circle of Peter, James, and John. Indeed, the Savior shared His life, His deepest moments with them, especially as He faced the cross. Although they were fallen men and they all tragically failed Him, Jesus continued to love and forgive them. Consequently, He set an example for us: how to relate as one fallen person to another.

However, just as the disciples didn’t really “get” Jesus’ true purpose for coming and dying until after His resurrection, so, too, those closest to us may not understand or encourage us in the way we hoped. This situation doesn’t indicate that others don’t care. Part of our human frailty means we are often consumed with our own loneliness and emptiness. Our preoccupation with our own problems can often leave us unable to communicate with others about issues that really matter.[2]

A Few Reminders

However, striving to be a friend who is willing to listen, to care deeply, to cry and to pray with us and for us is a gift. To have and be a sympathetic companion is a worthy aim, one longed for in our dearest relationships. First, though, we must come to the One who can give us rest, who can guide us with the mind of Christ through His word before we can really help others in the way God intended.

Here are a few reminders for being a better listener and friend:

· Turn off your phone or social media to focus on the person talking. You can only pay attention when you are not distracted.

· Be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Seek to first understand before offering your own thoughts. Listening creates an atmosphere of safety for others to feel their views are understood and respected—they will then be able to trust you more easily.

· View their painful situation through their eyes. Do not pass judgment. Extend the same understanding and respect as you would desire if the situation were reversed.

· Don’t jump in to ask a question or make an observation before the other person has finished speaking. When you’re unsure of what has been said, ask them to clarify or repeat their thoughts to make sure you have fully understood them.

· Last, try to talk in person when possible. Make sure your body language indicates you are listening, trying to understand their situation. Good eye contact is so important as it conveys an attentive attitude. Ask good questions to explore their situation instead of trying to provide all the answers.[3]

Our Dearest Friend Awaits

These steps can certainly help us become better friends and listeners. However, when we feel deep loneliness and sorrow, we can always find a place of comfort where the dearest of friends awaits us. Jesus, who is at all times available, continually offers great compassion, mercy, grace, and needed forgiveness. Psalm 116:1-2 assures us,

I love the LORD,

Because he has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because he has inclined his ear unto me,

Therefore will I call upon him as long as I live.

Further, that secret place where the Lord awaits us is described in Psalm 91, one of my favorite Scriptures:

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler And from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge . . .

Your dearest Friend awaits. Always seek His face foremost. He will never fail you.

[1]Frederick Buechner, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_Buechner [2]Ibid. [3]Christ-Like Dialogue, Five Ways to Become a Better Listener, Blog, Uncategorized. https://christlikedialogue.org/5-ways-to-becoming-a-better-listener/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0qmn7qqFgQMV6ymtBh2PvgzFEAAYASAAEgKSgfD_BwE, Thoughts selected from this site.